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I always thought I knew what love looked like\u2014holding Elena\u2019s hand after work, cooking together, laughing through hard times. But our biggest dream was to become parents. After years of heartbreak and failed attempts, Elena finally told me she was pregnant. It felt like a miracle.<\/p>\n
I promised to be the best father, attending every appointment, preparing the nursery, and reading baby books. But just weeks before the due date, Elena made a request that shattered me: she wanted to be alone during the delivery.<\/p>\n
I was confused and hurt but agreed out of love. When the day came, I waited anxiously outside the delivery room. My mind was flooded with doubt\u2014what if the baby wasn\u2019t mine? When I finally saw our newborn daughter, her pale skin and blue eyes left me stunned. I accused Elena of cheating.<\/p>\n
She didn\u2019t defend herself. Instead, she told me to look at the baby\u2019s ankle. There, I saw a birthmark\u2014shaped like a crescent\u2014just like mine, my brother\u2019s, and my grandfather\u2019s.<\/p>\n
Elena then revealed she carried a rare gene that could result in our baby looking different. She hadn\u2019t told me earlier out of fear. I realized my mistrust nearly destroyed everything. I apologized, and we brought our daughter home. But whispers began. People questioned her paternity. My own mother tried to wipe away the birthmark, believing it was fake. That broke me.<\/p>\n
To silence the doubt, Elena suggested a DNA test\u2014not because she needed to, but to protect our family. The results proved I was the father. Today, I kiss my daughter\u2019s birthmark every night. It reminds me that love is about trust, not appearances\u2014and that true family is built by standing beside the ones we love, even when the world doesn\u2019t understand.<\/p>\n
Two generations ago, birth was left to the mother-to-be. Now, partners are pressured to be essential guides in the process, but that may not be the best thing for all couples.<\/p>\n
Photo: iStockphoto<\/p>\n
When Danibel Hiraldo was\u00a0preparing for the birth<\/strong>\u00a0of her first child six years ago, she knew she would be relying on her mother for support during labour rather than her husband of four years.<\/p>\n \u201cFrom the minute we found out I was pregnant, my husband was adamant about not being in the room,\u201d the 36-year-old recalls. It wasn\u2019t that Hiraldo\u2019s husband was unwilling to support her or wasn\u2019t excited to become a father. But he knew that his tendency to become overwhelmed and panicky in medical situations would make him more of a liability than an asset during the birth.<\/p>\n At first, Hiraldo was apprehensive\u2014after all, it\u2019s virtually unheard of for a modern-day father to skip the birth of his child\u2014but she knew her husband was right. \u201cI initially wanted him to be there because I knew I would be scared, but ultimately my mom was the better choice,\u201d says Hiraldo. \u201cShe knew what to do, and I didn\u2019t have to worry about anyone else but myself and my labour.\u201d<\/p>\n When it came time to have the baby, Hiraldo\u2019s husband drove her to the hospital, waited for her mother to arrive and spent labour pacing the halls. When\u00a0the baby and placenta<\/strong>\u00a0had been delivered and Hiraldo\u2019s doctor had medically cleared her, her husband came into the hospital room. \u201cHe came right in and held our son, skin to skin, and profusely thanked my mom for being there,\u201d says Hiraldo. \u201cIt was the best decision for us. No regrets.\u201d<\/p>\n When their second child was born three years later, the couple followed the same strategy. As more mothers-to-be begin to realize that they can choose birth plans that are right for their families, for some, that means not having dad in the delivery room.<\/p>\n Challenging the new norm of delivery\u00a0<\/strong>Before the 1960s, fathers in North America were rarely present at the births of their children. However, social norms around childbirth have changed dramatically in recent years, and now partners of both sexes are expected to play an integral supporting role during childbirth. For some couples, this is a wonderful dynamic, but for others\u2014perhaps more than care to admit\u2014the expectations can result in pressure for the partner and anxiety for the birthing mom.<\/p>\n Judith Leavitt, a medical historian and author of\u00a0Make Room for Daddy: The Journey from Waiting Room to Birthing Room<\/em>,<\/em>\u00a0says that men in Western societies have always been somewhat involved with childbirth but traditionally stayed out of the birthing room. When births began taking place primarily in hospitals from the 1930s to the 1950s, anxious dads were left in the \u201cfathers\u2019 waiting room\u201d with little to do. By the 1970s, the women\u2019s movement and natural birth movement catapulted fathers from the waiting room to the delivery room, and a partner\u2019s presence at births became more mainstream, she says.<\/p>\n It\u2019s hard to find data on what percentage of partners attend the birth of their children, but experts agree that in the West, it\u2019s the majority.\u00a0A 2013 study<\/strong>\u00a0out of England found that nearly all partners attend births and ultrasounds, although birth attendance was highest among white couples with planned pregnancies in higher socio-economic brackets.<\/p>\n Despite this, not everyone is convinced that the near-universal presence of partners in the delivery room is a good thing. The most prominent critic is French obstetrician Michel Odent, who\u00a0caused a stir<\/strong>\u00a0back in 2009 when he said, \u201cThe ideal birth environment involves no men in general.\u201d Odent stuck by these claims in his 2013 book,\u00a0Childbirth and the Future of Homo Sapiens<\/em>,<\/em>\u00a0arguing that there are physiological reasons why a partner\u2019s presence slows childbirth, including that the partner is a distraction to the labouring woman and their stress hormones can cause the mother-to-be to become anxious.<\/p>\n \u201cNo matter how much he tries to smile and appear relaxed, he can\u2019t help but feel anxious,\u201d Odent\u00a0wrote in\u00a0The Daily Mail<\/em><\/strong>,<\/em>\u00a0\u201cand the release of adrenaline is contagious.\u201d He believes that a partner\u2019s influence on a labouring woman can lead to birth complications.<\/p>\n While Odent\u2019s views may be extreme, it\u2019s certainly true that having a partner present for birth isn\u2019t the right choice for all couples. Leavitt says that, although a partner\u2019s presence during birth has become mainstream, not all couples will\u2014or should\u2014follow this trend.<\/p>\n Yet, the option of a partner sitting out for a birth isn\u2019t often talked about today. Many couples feel pressured to have their partner in the delivery room because a partner\u2019s involvement and support during delivery is often seen as proof of their commitment as a parent and significant other.<\/p>\n \u201cNowadays it\u2019s seen as the norm that a \u2018good partner\u2019 will be there and be hands-on, but that\u2019s not the best situation for everyone,\u201d says\u00a0Bailey Gaddis<\/span>, a California-based author and doula (a birth coach). Some moms, including Hiraldo, worry about what others will think about their partners not being present for the birth. \u201cI thought my mom friends would judge [my] and think that he didn\u2019t want to be there for me,\u201d she says. \u201cI thought my mom friends would judge [my] and think that he didn\u2019t want to be there for me,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n Too emotionally attached\u00a0<\/strong>Gaddis estimates that the second parent hasn\u2019t been in the birthing room at half of the births she has attended. This isn\u2019t typical of births overall, but Gaddis says that people who don\u2019t plan on having their partners in the birthing room seek out other support, like doulas. In some cases, the decision was because of estrangement or because the partner was unable to attend the birth\u00a0due to travel<\/strong>\u00a0or illness. But she says that many of the couples she works with have decided that it\u2019s not in their best interest to have their partners in the birthing room.<\/p>\n \u201cFor the partner, it\u2019s really hard to hide emotions, especially if there are complications,\u201d she says. \u201cThat can increase a mom\u2019s anxiety when she sees how much her partner is affected by what she is going through.\u201d<\/p>\n I knew exactly what Gaddis was talking about. When my water broke with my first child, the liquid was thick with meconium\u2014something that can indicate that the baby is in distress. I knew we needed to get to the hospital as soon as possible, but I wanted to spare my husband the panic, so I kept this fact to myself. As he sped toward the hospital and I began moaning through labour pains, I took time between contractions to assure him that I was just fine.<\/p>\n \u201cWomen going through birth feel so vulnerable, and they want to feel that their family is solid in every way,\u201d says Gaddis. Oftentimes, that can be expressed as checking in on or mothering their partners and even their birth professionals. \u201cThey just can\u2019t help but take care of everyone around them,\u201d she says. \u201cThose\u00a0maternal instincts<\/strong>\u00a0really flare up, but they also really distract from the focus on the birth.\u201d<\/p>\n In addition, partners are having their own emotional experiences knowing that they are about to have a child. This can make it hard for them to support the labouring woman as much as she needs. \u201cIt\u2019s so much harder for a partner to provide the kind of support a mom needs because they\u2019re so incredibly emotionally attached,\u201d says Gaddis. \u201cIt\u2019s often easier for someone who is a little more impartial, like a friend or doula.\u201d<\/p>\n Finally, birth can be difficult for a mom\u2019s partner to watch. Partners see their loved ones in pain, knowing that there is nothing they can do to alleviate the suffering. They also see the blood, the needles and the mess of birth, and it can be entirely overwhelming. While some partners will gain\u00a0a whole new level of love and respect<\/strong>\u00a0for the birthing mama during the ordeal, others may process it differently and not be able to handle the often-frightening situations.<\/p>\n Right after my daughter was born, all I noticed was that the pediatricians quickly whisked her away. But my husband saw much more gory detail: a cord tightly wrapped around her neck and a baby so blue and floppy that he was sure she\u2019d been born dead. Even years later, he talks about how terrifying that moment was.<\/p>\n Birth FOMO\u00a0<\/strong>Although no one questioned the decision to her face, Hiraldo\u2019s mother tried to change her husband\u2019s mind, even as Hiraldo was labouring. \u201cShe thought he would regret not being in the room when his son was born,\u201d says Hiraldo.<\/p>\n This is another prevalent idea around partners in the delivery room: that the moment of birth is when a family is formed. It\u2019s no wonder that many people feel that partners who are not present for birth are missing out on something significant. However, Gaddis says that this is a romanticized view of childbirth. \u201cThat bond isn\u2019t created during the birth but right after, when the parents meet the child together,\u201d she says. \u201cThat\u2019s when I see the first spark of the family.\u201d<\/p>\n Not for everyone\u00a0<\/strong>Forty-eight-year-old Tim Dambacher was present only for the birth of his youngest of three children. He said that being there for the moment of birth had no impact on how he felt about his children as infants or in the long term.<\/p>\n \u201cIt didn\u2019t make a difference to me in how much I was bonded with them,\u201d he says. When his first child was born, Dambacher wasn\u2019t in a relationship with the mother, and she didn\u2019t want Dambacher in the room. That was fine with him. In 1991, he and his then-wife were expecting their first child together and he told her that he wasn\u2019t comfortable being in the delivery room.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019d seen enough animal births to know that there\u2019s a lot of stuff involved,\u201d he says. \u201cI didn\u2019t want to be in there. I thought I would just be in the way, and I couldn\u2019t stand the thought of watching her in agony.\u201d<\/p>\n His ex-wife\u2019s friends told her that he should be present for the birth, but she was willing to do whatever he was comfortable with and wasn\u2019t bothered about him not being in the room. \u201cShe was nice to me and didn\u2019t push it on me at all,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n Dambacher\u2019s ex-wife ended up needing a Caesarian and it was against hospital policy at the time for partners to be present for the surgical procedure, so it wasn\u2019t even a choice in the end. But he had no regrets about missing the birth of his son. Ten years later, when their second son was born, his wife was adamant that he be present for her scheduled C-section, telling him that times had changed and his presence was expected. Although he did attend, Dambacher says that the birth was not a transformative experience in the same way as his early interactions caring for his son. \u201cI was kind of ambivalent,\u201d says Dambacher. \u201cOf course, I told her\u00a0it was wonderful and everything<\/strong>.\u201d Dambacher rejects the idea that attending a birth makes someone a good partner. \u201cThere are better ways to show how committed you are to your wife and child,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n Despite attending more than 400 births, Sara-Chana Silverstein, a New York-based doula and mom of seven, agrees that the birthing room isn\u2019t necessarily the place for family bonding. \u201cI don\u2019t think the birthing room is that great connecting place,\u201d she says. \u201cI haven\u2019t seen it work so much.\u201d<\/p>\n Silverstein had her first child in a hospital, with her husband present. For the rest of her births, she delivered at home with midwives. Her husband waited nearby but outside the birthing room. \u201cWhen I [give] with just with my doula and midwife alone, I can allow myself to do whatever is needed to get the baby out,\u201d she says. \u201cWith husbands and close friends, I wouldn’t let my guard down as much.\u201d<\/p>\n Like Gaddis, Silverstein has seen that a partner\u2019s apprehension can slow down a woman\u2019s progress during birth, especially during the intense transition phase of labour that comes just before pushing, when\u00a0the pain from contractions<\/strong>\u00a0peaks. \u201cMen really panic when women get into these desperate states,\u201d she says. \u201cThey get overwhelmed if women lose it. But birth isn\u2019t that\u00a0love-peace-orgasmic experience<\/strong>\u00a0that people like to think it is.\u201d<\/p>\n Of course, many couples mutually choose to have both parents present for the birth. This is a wonderful option but shouldn\u2019t be considered the only path forward for happy and healthy families.<\/p>\n Before my daughter was born, my husband insisted that he would be staying back, by my shoulders, but during the birth he was more involved than he thought he wanted to be. His descriptions of the birth afterwards made it clear that the experience was very intense for him, to say the least. Four years later, he still fumbles for words when describing what he saw, and he talks about the panic of seeing our baby in distress while I was oblivious, just glad she was out.<\/p>\n When we decided to have a second child, I wasn\u2019t entirely sure my husband would want another front-row ticket. Early in my second pregnancy, I decided to give him the option to choose how and when he would like to meet our next child. \u201cYou know,\u201d I said tentatively, \u201cif you don\u2019t want to be there for the birth, that\u2019s something we can talk about.\u201d<\/p>\n We\u2019re now late in the third trimester and he plans to be there for the birth once again. \u201cOh man, I\u2019m not looking forward to that,\u201d he recently said about the drive to the hospital. Yet, despite his reservations about the intensity of the experience, he sees it as one we\u2019re in together. As for me? I recently dreamed I had the baby home alone, with no one to worry about but myself and our newest addition<\/p>\n Fox News anchor John Roberts\u00a0is in the hospital after battling what he described as a \u201csevere\u201d case of malaria.<\/p>\n Roberts, 68, revealed he was suffering from the mosquito-borne illness after experiencing \u201cuncontrolled shivering\u201d while on air.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I always thought I knew what love looked like\u2014holding Elena\u2019s hand after work, cooking together, laughing through hard times. But our biggest dream was to become parents. After years of heartbreak and…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":15230,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-15231","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-hot-news"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t